Category Archives: Narrative

Disconnection (Part 1 of 2)

Over the 2017 Summer the tarot cards did not like me.

Matter of fact, no divination system seemed to like me. It started at the beginning of May and continued throughout the month.  Having been involved with oracles and that type of  communication for over 30 years it was unsettling. There had never been a time where I felt so disconnected or unable to sense the message being put forward.

It started with my daily card draws. I began to get cards like the 9 of Swords, the Tower, and the 3 of Swords day after day. At first, I was concerned about what it meant. Then, as I focused on the real time events throughout the day I realized the cards did not apply at all.

I remember one in particular where I drew the Tower card for the day. I asked for some clarification on where the Tower energy might fall I pulled the 5 of Swords, Conflict. I decided to go through the day as normal and tried to not jump at shadows. I focused on staying neutral.  Certainly, such a combination of those two cards would show themselves in some way as I went through my day.  However, as the day played out and evening came, I found that my day had, in fact, been quite good and several positive things had occurred.

Another instance was when I drew a card to help me decide on something regarding my wife and I. The 3 of swords, jealousy, relationships ending and other unpleasant things. At first, of course, I was concerned but I already had my eye “on the weather” , so to speak, and so, not listening too closely to the card, moved forward.  Needless to say, the energy never manifested and everything turned out fine.

In trying to do more structured readings for either myself or friends I would get, to be blunt, garbage. In May it was working alright but by early June, nothing would make sense. I would ask about something regarding my work and, again, draw cards like the Tower, the 8 of Swords, the 5 of Swords and the Devil. At the time, I was asking about whether I should move on a particular project not if the world was ending!  Regardless, everything was doom, gloom, defeat and chaos.  This continued on with all my normal oracles I had been familiar with for so long. The Faeries Oracle continued to show me the more “slippery” cards like Topsy Turvetts, The Pookha or The Glanconer. One card would say “Speed up!”, another would say, “Slow down!”

In June, I actually stopped reading the cards for other people because of the mixed signals and general chaos which seemed to come with every reading. I decided to tuck everything away and I chose not to read anything for a few weeks. When that had passed, now late May almost June, I pulled some cards out and tried again. And, again, the same effect. I put the cards away again. I did become a bit “lost” because it was something that had become second nature to me.

To have the connection suddenly disappear is very hard to describe. A reading from a friend over Facebook eased my mind a bit and suggested it was just a period of time-out and that the answer would come. I was not to “push” anything and to just let it be.  I opted for a “Full stop” approach.  I could picture a large ship’s telegraph in my mind.   I stopped with the cards, with spirits, with dowsing.  All of it.  I did continue to offer spirit offerings and to put out a small plate of goodies for our house brownie.  Otherwise, nothing.  I allowed myself to fall into the mundane life.  I forced myself to wait.  It was not easy but it felt necessary.

In addition other things fell away and I felt like a thick quilt had been thrown up over me and my connections. I stopped remembering my dreams. Odd, happenstance encounters with wildlife stopped occurring as regularly. Life became, for a lack of a better word, mundane.

 

The summer months went by and then, around the end of July, I had a curious thought brought about by binge watching “Vikings.” I had the small thought, “My first divination system was the runes.  What if I looked at those again?”  I can tell you exactly what episode it was.  Episode 16 of Season 4, “Crossings.”  It was a powerful episode for me.  If you’ve seen it, you know why.

I then realized, without remorse, that I had given away my first rune set to one of my children a few years ago.  This, however, inspired me as I would now have to start over.  Nothing gets you fired up and into something then having to start over.  My first set to get me up and running was made with a fine point Sharpie pen on trimmed index cards.  Resourceful and functional.  It got me through a few weeks until I could get to a craft store to purchase some wooden discs.  I then spent a delightful evening painting the elder futhark onto them with acrylic craft paint.  It was a pretty magical and ceremonial event with me bent over my little plastic cup, my paint brush and my little wooden discs.  I didn’t even have a candle or incense going!  How rebellious!  What I did do with every single symbol I painted was I focused internally.  I focused on the symbol, what it meant and attempted to paint as clean as lines as possible and THAT was my ceremony.

Within a few hours, I found myself with a set of futhark runes.  After letting them dry and working out the stiffness in my cramped brush hand I placed them in a ceramic bowl and drew my first rune using the new set.

Ansuz.  Communication and signals.  The rune of prophecy and, most importantly, the rune of Odin himself.

Given my situation, there was not a more fortuitous rune I could have drawn which could encompass all I had been through.   At that moment, I knew that whatever disconnection had occurred was on its way out.  Was it possible that my time without connection was equivocal to Odin’s time in the tree?  Had I been hanging upside down as some sort of internal process worked it’s way through me?  As an extra spot of fun, Odin had figured very heavily into that episode of Vikings I mentioned that started the whole process.  As I said, if you’ve seen it, you know what I mean!

Little did I know just how much of a process had been working and what kind of re-connection was about to occur!

(Continued in Part 2, Reconnection.)

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A Bit of Juggling

I’ve not written a real blog post in a while.

I realize this and I know I’ve been spending a good deal of the beginning of the year working with my Youtube channel.  I’ve felt drawn to put a lot of energy towards the video channel and have been doing so.  As we start to come out of Winter,  I’m hoping to change that up a bit more, offering content there as well as here and trying not to mix the two as badly.  (For instance, I doubt I’ll continue to cross-post the vlog video rambles.  It doesn’t feel “right” to flood the blog with them.  Feel free to throw in your thoughts in the comments.)    What I do cross-post will mainly be focused on any dowsing, oracle or mystical work.  There are also several instructional vids I have planned in the near future but I doubt I do more than just mention them here.  If you’d like, feel free to subscribe to the channel.  I would certainly appreciate it and it helps the channel quite a bit when you do.

However, I did realize I’ve neglected the blog quite a bit and for that, I apologize!   Ultimately, I’m a bit better at expressing myself through the written word versus the spoken word.  Yet, there are things I can communicate visually there that don’t translate well with the written word.  Of course, this works in reverse as well.  The main complication to do both has been, you guessed it, time.

A quick thank you for those of you still here and a promise that there is a lot more to come.

Spring is coming!


A Casual “Walk and Talk”

Over the weekend I took to the park again to record another video.  I enjoyed my first foray into doing a video log and wanted to continue.  This time I wanted to create more of a “walk and talk” while I ask a very important question which has been on my mind.

If you don’t have the ability to watch the video then let me sum things up.  The question at hand was how important is it for me to show my identity on my videos?  Is it an aspect that helps bolster the connection and the communication or does it just become a matter of a talking head?  I have concerns regarding my privacy which are addressed in the video. They go back for some time and I understand they are one of the major challenges the Morrigan has placed before me for me to resolve.

It’s not that she is saying I should show my face and, in effect, come out of the broom closet.  Instead she simply wants me to become settled with a decision on a heart and soul level.  The video above is part of that Morrigan-led shadow work which has become a focus for me the past few weeks.

I’ve enjoyed making these and will be making more.  The time involved is surprising as I take the vid from the camera, render it into my software, edit, save and then upload it.  Regardless,  I’ll continue to make them for the time being.

What are your thoughts?  In the video I ask everyone to comment or to email me or to message me on Facebook. I would really like to hear the opinions of others on this.  Please give it a watch if you can.  As said in the video, feel free to comment here or elsewhere what your thoughts may be.  Hearing other’s opinions can sometimes help me find my way through the thicket of having too many of my own.

And, added bonus, there’s some small wildlife encounters along the way to cheer you up.

 


Shadow Boxing

What is insecurity? By default, of course, it is a lack of security. It is a state of being open, unprotected, and a lack of faith in oneself or one’s abilities. What is security? It is confidence that you can’t be harmed, that you are protected OR that you are backed up by something powerful. You have faith in yourself and in something larger. In this realm of magic and myth, the two are interconnected. An insecurity is believing you are not good enough to do “X”. A security is knowing no matter what happens, you can do “X” for the right reasons and still learn something even if you don’t succeed.

An insecurity will make you confused, anxious or be in doubt if you receive a negative comment. They undermine you. With security, you fall back on your training, you shrug it off as no big deal.

At the Morrigan’s request, I’ve been exploring the origins of my own insecurities. It’s been going on for several days now with reviews of my childhood, my adolescence, what made me me, etc.  It’s a bit like volunteering to dig into your own dirt before the warrior queen standing next to you hits you with the shovel.

In martial arts there is a jumping off point beginners have to learn. It’s not only learning how to hit someone (most people just don’t know how or, thankfully, have never had to) but it’s also learning how to take a hit. How it feels to take a shot to the blocking arm or to the body. It’s learning how to deal with the pain and the distracting sensations. You eventually get to a point where you feel it but it’s not necessarily pain. It’s just a sensation and you keep going. You build up a tolerance. You also build up confidence.

Two mornings ago I had a dream with the Morrigan.  As usual, she was in full black battle armor, dark mail gloves, boots and her black cloak of crow feathers.  We stood on frozen bare earth, in a clearing with dark pine woods encircling us.  There was not so much snow on the ground as just heavy frost.  There was snow in the pines, I remember that. There was a chill in the air, little glitterings of frost in the air and I could see our breath as we spoke.  The ground crunched underneath us as we stepped and moved.

She was punching me.  It was a type of martial training and she kept coming in with these heavy shots of those black mailed fists. WHAM! WhaM! I kept my head covered, taking the shots, feeling their impact on my upper arm, my shoulder as I covered. I could feel the cold metal of her gauntlets hitting me, the cold making the sensation worse. As soon as a punch landed I would attempt to grab, wrap and counter-strike. She would kick me off of or slide out and then bring the other fist around. I’d dodge one or two then WHAM!

Then, we would step back. She would say something, point to my blocking arm, point to me, say something else. She was blunt, direct but I don’t remember her words. All I know is that She wanted me to get used to the feeling of being punched by a hard mailed fist. It was part of the training. I was sore and bleeding but not tired.

Then, we would go again. I’m not sure how long the dream had gone. All I know is that she stopped, nodded and did her disappearing act.

I woke up.

I chewed on the meaning of the dream for some time. Finally, she whispered a clue in my ear, “Insecurities.” And then, I understood. In the dream-time, where symbols are key, she was symbolically teaching me how to shake off the veritable “slings and arrows” that make up insecurities. She was toughening me up.  I was being taught to react to those insecurities as you would take a hit in martial arts training.  Don’t get emotional.  It’s not personal.  It’s practice.

Later in the day I heard her again and wrote this out quickly on a notepad file. “”With an insecurity, you can’t take the hit. You can’t take a negative comment. You’re scared of opinions, you scared of what others think, you allow yourself to be controlled by others and are unable to stand your ground unless angry or mad. When that happens, when emotion takes over, you cannot react with skill. A warrior should react with skill and control.”

“Insecurities bring you doubt. They cause hesitation. They knock you off-balance. In training you learn they are nothing, that they do not effect you and they do not stick. If this is practiced you are then able to act in calm and confidence.  You can stand your ground without your ego interfering.”

“When you can do that, you’re ready.”

My next question was, of course, “Ready for what?”

“Growth,” was her single answer.

 


Circling the Dark Flame

What a roller-coaster week.  Fallout from the election, the Taurus Supermoon and then the event from my previous post about the dark blue fire.   All this year I’ve drawn cards on the energies of this year and over and over I have received the Six of Arrows – Transition or The Journey (Death).  Over and over two words have sprung up, transition and transformation.  It almost feels like a season finale doesn’t it?  On top of that it appears to be a cliffhanger!  (If you go by Samhain being the end of the year it was DEFINITELY a cliffhanger, right?  Tune in next cycle for the stunning conclusion!)

In regards to the image of the dark blue fire, it’s become very central to me, one of the foremost things on my mind. Since I first had the image, it has stuck with me and has been a perpetual image on my inner space.  As I’ve processed and looked into things it has simply been there, waiting.  The rest of this post goes into it, goes into the larger tarot and card reading I did regarding it, the signs and experiences I’m having and then what I’ve decided about it.

My goal, by openly talking about it here, is education so less experienced readers might get a look, via a walk through of the past few days, of how to analyze and work through similar experiences.

Click below and make sure you have a cup of something tasty before you do.

Continue reading


Dark Blue Fire

It was shortly after reading a post entitled “Be The Dark” by Druid John Beckett over on Pantheon that I was hit with the visualization. During a break at work I took a moment, closed my eyes and focused on why I felt his blog post had hit me so hard, why had it resonated so strongly with me?  I knew I had been holding back fears, processing angers and doubts.  I also was aware of the information passed on to me from the tarot readings on the recent super moon.   Maintain your center.  Be aware of emotions at full tide.  Balance.

I highly recommend you give it a look.  It’s focus is on what to do if you’re just not feeling connected to the Light?  What if you are still angry, upset and just plain mad?  In the post he talks about how, if you can’t be the Light, you should be the Dark.

Now,  I’m not known for my dark side wanderings.  I shy away from my anger and try to process it.  I typically stick pretty close to the Light and to my connection with nature in the daytime.  Flowers instead of thorns.  However, as I’ve grown older I’ve had an increased urge toward the thorns. As I stopped to think about the Dark, I was reminded of my first encounter with a dark nature spirit which occurred over twenty years ago.  It taught me that all was not as it seemed.

I would consider it a “dark Fey.”  Many, many years ago, I was fortunate enough to live in the country and to have a garage.  I had set up an altar in the garage and I used it as a ritual space for oracle work or meditation.  Two to three times a week, oftentimes more, I would sage and purify the space.  It was a good place.  We would have nearby nature spirits come by for a visit and some took up residence.  Many people commented on how “safe” they felt in that sanctuary.   We would have dinner in there with friends on the nights the Wheel turned.  One night, unable to sleep, I wandered in there to settle myself down for some quiet meditation/visualization at around 2 AM.  Just as I flipped on the light I felt this “whoosh” and had the sense of a dark, flowing spiky thing dashing underneath the cover of the altar table.  I also felt/sensed some of my Fey friends yell,  “turn the light off!”

I did so quickly but immediately went on the defensive.  Though I wanted to immediately go on the defensive, grabbing my sage and calling up shields, I did not.  I didn’t feel it was necessary.  I KNEW the wards on the space were solid and in place.  Whatever it was that was there, it had made it through the wards which meant, by default, it was okay.

I talked to it.  I coaxed it out of from underneath the table.  I asked if it was ok to light a small candle and was told it was.   The spirit felt dark as night and, as I said, spiky, like an odd mix of a goblin, spider and a scorpion.  It was also scared.  I did a quick card reading in hopes of learning more and I pulled the 5 of Pentacles.  Poverty.  Exhaustion.  It was just looking for a place to “warm up.”

With caution, I allowed it to stay the night and to return as needed.  I began to leave it offerings on the spirit plate I kept at that time.  I agreed that the lights in the garage would never come on after midnight or before 7 AM or dawn, whichever came first.  It did return and was always respectful and quite gracious.  It brought a few friends and the energy up there in the middle of the night was incredibly intense.  It was not for the faint of heart.   Over time, I found a friend with that dark spirit.

Now, do not misunderstand me, there is a distinct difference between Dark and Malicious.  Something may be Dark but not malicious or, as much as I hate to use the word, “evil.”  Another way I’ve been told to look at it is to say that some things do not appreciate the light of day time.  Though it may make them fuel for our fears it does not make them evil monsters.  My encounter that night  many years ago and the ones that followed changed the way I look at “shadow” things.  The spirit I met that night was no more evil than a black fox, a panther or a creepy looking spider.  Just because it was “of the dark” did not make it malicious or vengeful or any other stereotypical attributes some might jump towards.  I was reminded of the Batman or The Shadow from my youthful comic book days.  I learned that not all things dark and spiky were negative or evil.

It was my first interaction with “The Dark.”  Over the years, I would have many, many more.

blueflame2

So, today, after reading the post I  mention above  I sat back, centered and, focused on my feelings regarding “being the dark.”  It felt fine.  It felt comfortable.   How odd!  It’s been some time since I had thought about that other side.  I could not ignore the resonance I was feeling.  I’ve known for some time that in order to grow and evolve I would need to look into the darker side of myself.  Was this what it was about?  Is this what the recent events, both at Samhain and the weeks following, were preparing me for?

As I sat and meditated on these questions an image sprang directly in front of my eyes with great power.  It was nothing that I had ever seen before; a single, large dark blue flame with light blue defining it’s flickering, burning edges.  It simply sat in front of me.  I saw nothing else but I felt much more.  I felt strength and, surprisingly, comfort and peace.  Though I felt a presence I heard or sensed no other communication except the sensations I was receiving.  It just hovered there, waiting, until I came out of trance and needed to get back to work.

So, now, I need to look into this further.  What was that Blue Flame all about?  What does it mean?  What about the Dark?  This evening and tomorrow I will be delving into it further as I have time to do so.  If anyone reading this has information on the aspects concerning a dark blue ball of flame with light blue fringes, please feel free to let me know in the comments.

blueflame


Keeping On Track

(Note – This was originally drafted on Nov 6th, just before the election.)

Since Samhain things have continued to move forward, the flog clearing.  A few things have come up since then and I thought that even if it turns into a short post I would catch you up.  Since my last post I have been very focused on making sure the fog does not “slip back in.”  I’ve started a few routines to help with it.  I’m sure some of you may already do these things.  If not, perhaps they might give you some ideas of your own.

leaves2

 

At least twice a day, I re-affirm the magic and spirituality of life

What I mean by this is I try to take some time, at least twice a day, to really appreciate Spirit.  I do this in different ways.  This may be a short as a minute or two or it might be longer.  It just depends on what is going on and how much time I have in the morning or the evening.  It can be a simple thought about spirit or ancestors, a musing on the interconnected nature of everything while sitting quietly, or perhaps just stopping to count my breath for a few moments while I watch a spider at lunch.

I  started a magical / paranormal journal

This has been started several times but it always crashed and burned.  This was because I was stuck on it being handwritten and having all the different aspects of my magical life crammed into one tome.  My hand would often cramp up from trying to get everything in there and I found valuable free time going to catching up on my entries instead of doing a reading or experimenting with dowsing.  I started a digital journal, created some tags to help me find things and began to document this new phase of my life.   I agreed with myself that I would hold no reservation on how long or how short an entry may be and I could enter multiple entries a day if I wished.  There are no rules.  It has helped immensely.

I ask myself, “What is Spirit trying to tell me here?”

In any situation, from a stressful work moment to a peaceful lunch among falling autumn leaves, I pause and ask that simple question. I ask gently.  Then, I take a few seconds and just listen.  Sometimes there is no answer and I don’t push for one.  Other times I’ve heard some really great answers.

I relaxed and gave up.

Let me be clear, this was not in a depressing way.  I’ve just started to just let things be… well… things.  I’ve stopped pushing so much for answers.  Better yet, you could say I’ve stopped pushing for the answers I wanted to hear.

And that’s it.  I just try to pay attention more and work towards not going “unconscious” again.

It feels good.

I feel like I’m coming back around to a place of solidity which I have not seen in a long, long while.