Category Archives: Narrative

Questions for the New Audience

Hello everyone,

Over the course of the past week or so my email has been lighting up with so many of you subscribing.  Since I have not made any new content in over 5 months this is very curious to me.

First of all, welcome!  I’m not entirely sure what has brought you here but, regardless, thanks for being here.  This page has been living in a bit of limbo for quite some time shortly after my attempt at podcasting fell apart due to a lack of decent equipment and time.

I have moved onward to some new projects related to the aforementioned podcast but have not talked about them here.  My cards are still used but, honestly, not as much as before.  My connection to Nature is a constant things these days and I spend most of my weekends in the woods, hiking and enjoying it’s company.

My biggest question is, those of you who have recently subscribed out of nowhere, what would you like to see?  What brought you here?  Is there something I can write about or focus on that might be of interest to you?  Or, alternatively, are most of these new subscribers nothing but bots in the wind?  Which is, unfortunately, what I am afraid is occurring.

Prove me wrong and let me know in the comments below!

And for any old subscriber still with me, the answer goes out to you as well.  What would you like to see here?

Thanks,

Rusty


Disconnection (Part 1 of 2)

Over the 2017 Summer the tarot cards did not like me.

Matter of fact, no divination system seemed to like me. It started at the beginning of May and continued throughout the month.  Having been involved with oracles and that type of  communication for over 30 years it was unsettling. There had never been a time where I felt so disconnected or unable to sense the message being put forward.

It started with my daily card draws. I began to get cards like the 9 of Swords, the Tower, and the 3 of Swords day after day. At first, I was concerned about what it meant. Then, as I focused on the real time events throughout the day I realized the cards did not apply at all.

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It’s not personal. It’s practice.

What is insecurity? By default, of course, it is a lack of security. It is a state of being open, unprotected, and a lack of faith in oneself or one’s abilities. What is security? It is confidence that you can’t be harmed, that you are protected OR that you are backed up by something powerful. You have faith in yourself and in something larger. In this realm of magic and myth, the two are interconnected. An insecurity is believing you are not good enough to do “X”. A security is knowing no matter what happens, you can do “X” for the right reasons and still learn something even if you don’t succeed.

An insecurity will make you confused, anxious or be in doubt if you receive a negative comment. They undermine you. With security, you fall back on your training, you shrug it off as no big deal.

At the Morrigan’s request, I’ve been exploring the origins of my own insecurities. It’s been going on for several days now with reviews of my childhood, my adolescence, what made me me, etc.  It’s a bit like volunteering to dig into your own dirt before the warrior queen standing next to you hits you with the shovel.

In martial arts there is a jumping off point beginners have to learn. It’s not only learning how to hit someone (most people just don’t know how or, thankfully, have never had to) but it’s also learning how to take a hit. How it feels to take a shot to the blocking arm or to the body. It’s learning how to deal with the pain and the distracting sensations. You eventually get to a point where you feel it but it’s not necessarily pain. It’s just a sensation and you keep going. You build up a tolerance. You also build up confidence.

Two mornings ago I had a dream with the Morrigan.  As usual, she was in full black battle armor, dark mail gloves, boots and her black cloak of crow feathers.  We stood on frozen bare earth, in a clearing with dark pine woods encircling us.  There was not so much snow on the ground as just heavy frost.  There was snow in the pines, I remember that. There was a chill in the air, little glitterings of frost in the air and I could see our breath as we spoke.  The ground crunched underneath us as we stepped and moved.

She was punching me.  It was a type of martial training and she kept coming in with these heavy shots of those black mailed fists. WHAM! WhaM! I kept my head covered, taking the shots, feeling their impact on my upper arm, my shoulder as I covered. I could feel the cold metal of her gauntlets hitting me, the cold making the sensation worse. As soon as a punch landed I would attempt to grab, wrap and counter-strike. She would kick me off of or slide out and then bring the other fist around. I’d dodge one or two then WHAM!

Then, we would step back. She would say something, point to my blocking arm, point to me, say something else. She was blunt, direct but I don’t remember her words. All I know is that She wanted me to get used to the feeling of being punched by a hard mailed fist. It was part of the training. I was sore and bleeding but not tired.

Then, we would go again. I’m not sure how long the dream had gone. All I know is that she stopped, nodded and did her disappearing act.

I woke up.

I chewed on the meaning of the dream for some time. Finally, she whispered a clue in my ear, “Insecurities.” And then, I understood. In the dream-time, where symbols are key, she was symbolically teaching me how to shake off the veritable “slings and arrows” that make up insecurities. She was toughening me up.  I was being taught to react to those insecurities as you would take a hit in martial arts training.  Don’t get emotional.  It’s not personal.  It’s practice.

Later in the day I heard her again and wrote this out quickly on a notepad file. “”With an insecurity, you can’t take the hit. You can’t take a negative comment. You’re scared of opinions, you scared of what others think, you allow yourself to be controlled by others and are unable to stand your ground unless angry or mad. When that happens, when emotion takes over, you cannot react with skill. A warrior should react with skill and control.”

“Insecurities bring you doubt. They cause hesitation. They knock you off-balance. In training you learn they are nothing, that they do not effect you and they do not stick. If this is practiced you are then able to act in calm and confidence.  You can stand your ground without your ego interfering.”

“When you can do that, you’re ready.”

My next question was, of course, “Ready for what?”

“Growth,” was her single answer.

 


Circling the Dark Flame

What a roller-coaster week.  Fallout from the election, the Taurus Supermoon and then the event from my previous post about the dark blue fire.   All this year I’ve drawn cards on the energies of this year and over and over I have received the Six of Arrows – Transition or The Journey (Death).  Over and over two words have sprung up, transition and transformation.  It almost feels like a season finale doesn’t it?  On top of that it appears to be a cliffhanger!  (If you go by Samhain being the end of the year it was DEFINITELY a cliffhanger, right?  Tune in next cycle for the stunning conclusion!)

In regards to the image of the dark blue fire, it’s become very central to me, one of the foremost things on my mind. Since I first had the image, it has stuck with me and has been a perpetual image on my inner space.  As I’ve processed and looked into things it has simply been there, waiting.  The rest of this post goes into it, goes into the larger tarot and card reading I did regarding it, the signs and experiences I’m having and then what I’ve decided about it.

My goal, by openly talking about it here, is education so less experienced readers might get a look, via a walk through of the past few days, of how to analyze and work through similar experiences.

Click below and make sure you have a cup of something tasty before you do.

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Dark Blue Fire

It was shortly after reading a post entitled “Be The Dark” by Druid John Beckett over on Pantheon that I was hit with the visualization. During a break at work I took a moment, closed my eyes and focused on why I felt his blog post had hit me so hard, why had it resonated so strongly with me?  I knew I had been holding back fears, processing angers and doubts.  I also was aware of the information passed on to me from the tarot readings on the recent super moon.   Maintain your center.  Be aware of emotions at full tide.  Balance.

I highly recommend you give it a look.  It’s focus is on what to do if you’re just not feeling connected to the Light?  What if you are still angry, upset and just plain mad?  In the post he talks about how, if you can’t be the Light, you should be the Dark.

Now,  I’m not known for my dark side wanderings.  I shy away from my anger and try to process it.  I typically stick pretty close to the Light and to my connection with nature in the daytime.  Flowers instead of thorns.  However, as I’ve grown older I’ve had an increased urge toward the thorns. As I stopped to think about the Dark, I was reminded of my first encounter with a dark nature spirit which occurred over twenty years ago.  It taught me that all was not as it seemed.

I would consider it a “dark Fey.”  Many, many years ago, I was fortunate enough to live in the country and to have a garage.  I had set up an altar in the garage and I used it as a ritual space for oracle work or meditation.  Two to three times a week, oftentimes more, I would sage and purify the space.  It was a good place.  We would have nearby nature spirits come by for a visit and some took up residence.  Many people commented on how “safe” they felt in that sanctuary.   We would have dinner in there with friends on the nights the Wheel turned.  One night, unable to sleep, I wandered in there to settle myself down for some quiet meditation/visualization at around 2 AM.  Just as I flipped on the light I felt this “whoosh” and had the sense of a dark, flowing spiky thing dashing underneath the cover of the altar table.  I also felt/sensed some of my Fey friends yell,  “turn the light off!”

I did so quickly but immediately went on the defensive.  Though I wanted to immediately go on the defensive, grabbing my sage and calling up shields, I did not.  I didn’t feel it was necessary.  I KNEW the wards on the space were solid and in place.  Whatever it was that was there, it had made it through the wards which meant, by default, it was okay.

I talked to it.  I coaxed it out of from underneath the table.  I asked if it was ok to light a small candle and was told it was.   The spirit felt dark as night and, as I said, spiky, like an odd mix of a goblin, spider and a scorpion.  It was also scared.  I did a quick card reading in hopes of learning more and I pulled the 5 of Pentacles.  Poverty.  Exhaustion.  It was just looking for a place to “warm up.”

With caution, I allowed it to stay the night and to return as needed.  I began to leave it offerings on the spirit plate I kept at that time.  I agreed that the lights in the garage would never come on after midnight or before 7 AM or dawn, whichever came first.  It did return and was always respectful and quite gracious.  It brought a few friends and the energy up there in the middle of the night was incredibly intense.  It was not for the faint of heart.   Over time, I found a friend with that dark spirit.

Now, do not misunderstand me, there is a distinct difference between Dark and Malicious.  Something may be Dark but not malicious or, as much as I hate to use the word, “evil.”  Another way I’ve been told to look at it is to say that some things do not appreciate the light of day time.  Though it may make them fuel for our fears it does not make them evil monsters.  My encounter that night  many years ago and the ones that followed changed the way I look at “shadow” things.  The spirit I met that night was no more evil than a black fox, a panther or a creepy looking spider.  Just because it was “of the dark” did not make it malicious or vengeful or any other stereotypical attributes some might jump towards.  I was reminded of the Batman or The Shadow from my youthful comic book days.  I learned that not all things dark and spiky were negative or evil.

It was my first interaction with “The Dark.”  Over the years, I would have many, many more.

blueflame2

So, today, after reading the post I  mention above  I sat back, centered and, focused on my feelings regarding “being the dark.”  It felt fine.  It felt comfortable.   How odd!  It’s been some time since I had thought about that other side.  I could not ignore the resonance I was feeling.  I’ve known for some time that in order to grow and evolve I would need to look into the darker side of myself.  Was this what it was about?  Is this what the recent events, both at Samhain and the weeks following, were preparing me for?

As I sat and meditated on these questions an image sprang directly in front of my eyes with great power.  It was nothing that I had ever seen before; a single, large dark blue flame with light blue defining it’s flickering, burning edges.  It simply sat in front of me.  I saw nothing else but I felt much more.  I felt strength and, surprisingly, comfort and peace.  Though I felt a presence I heard or sensed no other communication except the sensations I was receiving.  It just hovered there, waiting, until I came out of trance and needed to get back to work.

So, now, I need to look into this further.  What was that Blue Flame all about?  What does it mean?  What about the Dark?  This evening and tomorrow I will be delving into it further as I have time to do so.  If anyone reading this has information on the aspects concerning a dark blue ball of flame with light blue fringes, please feel free to let me know in the comments.

blueflame


Keeping On Track

Since Samhain things have continued to move forward, the flog clearing.  A few things have come up since then and I thought that even if it turns into a short post I would catch you up.  Since my last post I have been very focused on making sure the fog does not “slip back in.”  I’ve started a few routines to help with it.  I’m sure some of you may already do these things.  If not, perhaps they might give you some ideas of your own.

leaves2

 

At least twice a day, I re-affirm the magic and spirituality of life

What I mean by this is I try to take some time, at least twice a day, to really appreciate Spirit.  I do this in different ways.  This may be a short as a minute or two or it might be longer.  It just depends on what is going on and how much time I have in the morning or the evening.  It can be a simple thought about spirit or ancestors, a musing on the interconnected nature of everything while sitting quietly, or perhaps just stopping to count my breath for a few moments while I watch a spider at lunch.

I  started a magical / paranormal journal

This has been started several times but it always crashed and burned.  This was because I was stuck on it being handwritten and having all the different aspects of my magical life crammed into one tome.  My hand would often cramp up from trying to get everything in there and I found valuable free time going to catching up on my entries instead of doing a reading or experimenting with dowsing.  I started a digital journal, created some tags to help me find things and began to document this new phase of my life.   I agreed with myself that I would hold no reservation on how long or how short an entry may be and I could enter multiple entries a day if I wished.  There are no rules.  It has helped immensely.

I ask myself, “What is Spirit trying to tell me here?”

In any situation, from a stressful work moment to a peaceful lunch among falling autumn leaves, I pause and ask that simple question. I ask gently.  Then, I take a few seconds and just listen.  Sometimes there is no answer and I don’t push for one.  Other times I’ve heard some really great answers.

I relaxed and gave up.

Let me be clear, this was not in a depressing way.  I’ve just started to just let things be… well… things.  I’ve stopped pushing so much for answers.  Better yet, you could say I’ve stopped pushing for the answers I wanted to hear.

And that’s it.  I just try to pay attention more and work towards not going “unconscious” again.

It feels good.

I feel like I’m coming back around to a place of solidity which I have not seen in a long, long while.

 

 

 


Dreams

I love dreams and their hidden language. Sometimes there is more to a dream and they become something else. They become powerful, magical memories. These are power dreams and typically hold a wealth of information, joy and beauty. In the past few days I have had two. After holding them for awhile I listened to my intuition and decided to share the latest one here.

It occurred a few nights ago. Most of it is hazy and slipshod in its imagery. However, here is the gist.

I am standing and watching a scene being filmed for a show. The actors are in front of me and I am slightly behind the production cameras. I am a “guest” on the set. There are two male actor/characters in the scene. One is Dr. Who played by Jon Pertwee. The other I do not remember clearly but it might have been Nathan Fillion.   (What’s odd about this is though I am a Dr. Who fan I have no particular connection to the 3rd Doctor.  I don’t think I’ve even watched any of the episodes he is in!  On the other hand, my wife often lovingly remarks that with me, due to my humor and way of presenting myself, she has her very own Nathan Fillion.  I take it as a compliment…)

One thing that can make me giddy with joy is watching two actors fire lines with accurate precision and complexity. Think of scenes like in Sherlock or a Tarantino movie. This is what was playing itself in front of me, an amazing acting scene between a fast talking Timelord and another character. I was getting to see it first hand and, in the dream, I am delighted.

pertwee

The scene finishes and there is applause from those on set. Everyone knows they have seen something special and the actors are happy as well. Pertwee, not breaking character as Dr Who, calls me over as if he knows me and we shake hands. He hugs me and it is like I am being hugged by a long lost brother. It is a wonderful feeling. He claps me on the back and asks my wife and I to walk with him. We, of course, agree.  I remember I felt incredibly happy.

The dream shifts and we are walking outside in what might be London or maybe a nice apartment neighborhood in New York or Chicago.   It is a peaceful and friendly stroll.  The buildings have a old world brick and fieldstone look to them.  I can’t help but think of a typical sidewalk from “A Christmas Carol.”  Pertwee, as the doctor, is still dressed as he should be, in a suit, ruffles and a fancy cape.  There are some trees along the sidewalk and occasionally flowers that have dried and gone to seed.  A light dusting of snow is here and there.   He is talking to me about something and all I remember, of course, is that it was important and, of course, I cannot remember much else of it after I awoke.

But, with crystalline clarity, I remember how it ended.

seedpodsHe stops at a patch of dried flowers and becomes very excited.  “Oh!  Here!  Here!  This is what I was looking for.”  He kneels down and collects the dried seed pods of some columbine flowers.  He turns to me with a healthy smile and says, “Here, lad, these are for you!  They’re very special and you must take care of them!”

He takes my hand and places the brown, crunchy pods in my palm.  I can also see a few tiny black seeds drop from the pods and sit on my skin.  He closes my fingers around them, squeezes my hand tighter and then pats it, “Very special.  Hang on to them!  You’ll need these.”  He is so excited, I start to laugh and I say, “Ok, ok, I got it.”  He pats me again on the shoulder and we continue walking.

There is something about this that causes me to begin to wake up.  The dream begins to fade and he turns and says, “Oh, I thought that might happen.  Well, take care!  Remember, hang on to them!”

I wake up lying on my side.  I am rested and smiling.  I feel wonderful, childlike.  My hand that was holding the seed pods, my right one, is clenched into a fist and hanging a bit out over the edge of the bed.  In the dark I look at my hand and, for a moment, believe that if I open my hand those seed pods will fall out.  I don’t want to wake up because I don’t want to be disappointed!   I keep my hand closed and as I wake up the feeling of something being in my hand fades.  Regardless, I do not open my hand!

Something deep down tells me that I cannot discount this dream or the dream items still in my hand.  Even though I cannot feel them they are still there.   I stumble downstairs and sit in a chair to think about the dream.  I continue to feel wonderful, like it’s a special day, a holiday.  It’s a childlike feeling of wonder and magic.  But, what am I to do with these invisible seed pods?  I need to place them somewhere, store them somewhere until they can be planted.  But where?

Then, it hits me.  I lift my closed hand up and place it over my heart.  I open my hand slowly and press it to my heart chakra.  My heart.  I can store them in my heart and they will be safe.  I will always know where they are and I will always be able to remember the dream, the character who gave them to me and the feeling.  It takes only a few moments but I feel them flow into my heart chakra and in my mind’s eye I see them sitting on a glowing shelf.

Presently, I can still feel them there.  I am, as of yet, unsure what to do with them except to hold them and to use them to remember the dream and how I felt when I woke.  So far, it has been working.

I’ve been thinking back over the imagery and the symbolism of the dream.  I am quite sure I encountered someone there that decided to take the form, for whatever reason, of Dr. Who.  It was a powerful presence, like meeting Santa Claus or Gandalf.  My first guess is that it was my Higher Self.  My current plan is to go into some creative visualizations, some dream time and to see if I can reconnect with him.

Perhaps he can tell me more about the flowers and what I will need them for?

Or…

Perhaps I am to discover that on my own?